What happened to elegant "one-bite" hors d'oeuvres?

The edible flowers on these tiny, bite-sized nibbles were the perfect touch for a ladies' “April showers bring May flowers!” luncheon I hosted at Fox Hall.

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A darling Southern friend recently posed the question, “What do you do when you are presented with passed hors d’ oeuvres that are HUGE? They either crumble as you bite them, drip, or you pop the entire “nibble” into your mouth, which makes you look like a chipmunk. All are dreadful options. Please, bring back the one-bite wonder!”

My response has always been to  “pass” on any huge hors d’oeuvres being passed! 

This rule of thumb comes from my memory of a rather traumatic party experience. When I was notably pregnant, donning my only emerald green silk maternity cocktail dress, I tried to gracefully take a bite of a warm filo pastry nibble at a lovely Christmas party. It was a two-biter.  Big mistake. Butter squirted down the entire front of my silk dress. There was no hope, even when I attempted to douse it with water in the powder room in desperation. Butter does not disappear, but I soon did! 

In eager anticipation of hosting parties again, even if it is only a handful of family, friends, or even a virtual cocktail party on Zoom, I thought it worthy of our attention to be mindful of offering petite hors d’oeuvres. Keep this in mind for future planning. One-bite hors d’oeuvres, and how they are presented and passed, contribute splendidly and set the tone for creating an elegant cocktail party. 

If you have ever attended a dignified, albeit chic, party in New York City, Paris, or Palm Beach, it is most likely that you have experienced delicately prepared, exquisitely presented hors d’oeuvres, usually no larger than a dime. They look divine, taste divine, and are  divinely little pop-in-the-mouth treasures! One can easily manage and savour an ethereal little nibble without the threat of the “How am I going to eat this thing?” dilemma. Unfortunately, this dilemma is typical of bruschetta, which is, from my experience, a recipe for disaster. As you can imagine, I am not keen on passing anything that needs to be gnawed off a bone, either.

And speaking of parties, or the lack thereof, I’m pleased to introduce The New York Social Diary as our new sponsor. The New York Social Diary website is an iconic newsletter that publishes articles and photographs of prominent, elegant and dashing people at posh celebrations in New York City and other notable places. If you have already subscribed, then you know how witty and intoxicating the writing is by the esteemed David Patrick Columbia. He is the brilliant social columnist who founded NYSD in 2000. The articles are captivating, the photographs are colorful and striking, and the Party Picture section features guests attending enchanting private fetes. Subscribe and revel in the pleasure it provides!

When my first book, The Pretty and Proper Living Room debuted, it was mentioned in the NYSD and I was beyond elated. I am overjoyed to introduce and announce the NYSD sponsorship of this newsletter… pinch me! 

Millennial Tip

If you choose to decorate your serving platters, use a little bit of poster board clay to keep your ornament or figurine in place as the platter is being passed. If you use a few flowers, tie a ribbon around them in a color that complements the tray or the room in which it will be presented. The texture of the ribbon will help the flowers from sliding around onto the nibbles. 


 

Forbidden Faux Pas

 No-no: To take more than one hors d’oeuvres at a time when presented to you. 

Lovely Living

Almost every living room needs additional “drinks tables” for entertaining. The Enchanted Home  has the perfect sized tables. I adore the “scalloped ivory and blue ginger jar tray table.” Tina offers other charming colors and designs as well. And, for a ladies’ luncheon, especially for a Garden Club, this darling card design by Felix Doolittle, can be used to create the perfect handwritten invitation. It sets the scene for a delightfully floral party to ensue. It had me at “pink bow!”

This Scully & Scully hand made ceramic tray from Italy, is perfect for passing hors d'oeuvres. Because of the attractively painted design, additional garnish is not even needed!

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Should you bring your drink from cocktail hour into the dining room?

After a little champagne celebration at Fox Hall, Stuart and I adjourned to the dining room while leaving the empty glasses behind in the living room.

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Recently, I received a question from Gaye, whom I met at a signing event for my first book, the Pretty & Proper Living Room, which was hosted by my favorite store, Lori Jayne in Palm Beach. Gaye offered me a treasure trove of topics to delve into! I shall share one of them with you today. Even though we are all not attending dinner parties and receptions during this time of social distancing, we continue to be in eager anticipation of them, non?
 

Is bringing your drink from a cocktail reception hour to the dinner table a faux pas?

Oh, I adore the Southerners who give me their suggestions and questions...old-world gentility at its best! Most of us are probably imbibing more than usual with the current state of quarantine, whilst carefreely taking our wine or cocktail glasses just about anywhere in the house we may venture.  But, when we are back in a polished entertaining form, here are suggestions of what one does with their drink at various social venues after the cocktail hour:

Dinner Party:
Yes, it is a faux pas at a private dinner party to bring your drink from the cocktail hour to the dining room table. Place it on the cocktail napkin that you have been given and leave it in the room where you were enjoying cocktail hour. It there is a butler or server at the doorway as you leave the room, or stationed at the entrance to the dining room with a tray in hand, your drink may be placed upon their tray. 

Whether it is wine, champagne, or a cocktail, drinks should always be left behind in the room where you gathered for cocktails. An exception to this is if the hostess suggests to her guests that they may bring their drink to the table. 

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After a spectacular day in Paris, Stuart and I had a few divine sips of wine in Bar 228, at Le Meurice Hôtel in Paris. When our table was ready, the waiter carried our drinks into the dining room, Le Meurice Alain Ducasse, and served them to us at our table.

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Elegant Club or Restaurant:
If you are enjoying a cocktail at the bar or in a reception area and the waiter or maitre d’ arrives to escort you to your table, they should offer to bring your drink to the table for you. The waiter will collect the drinks on a tray, and then proceed to serve them back to you at the table. Or, if you wish, you may decide not to take the drink with you. It’s best to follow the lead of your host. 

Fundraiser or large reception:  
I make the effort to observe the host of the event and follow their lead. Usually, there is a table upon departing the reception room where one may place their drink.  

If it is a business gathering, quite often, bringing your drink with you from the reception to the dining table is acceptable.  

A semi-formal or formal event:
It is most appropriate to discard your drink on a side table, or upon a server’s tray,  when the cocktail hour adjourns before you enter the dining reception room.

Forbidden Faux Pas

No-no: If you are attending a private dinner party, to ask for a different wine than the one being served at the dinner table.  If white wine is being served, but you prefer red, simply abstain from drinking the red! If the host notices that you are not drinking and specifically asks if you would prefer something different, then it is acceptable to suggest that you prefer red or white, depending on the situation. 

No-no: At a private dinner, to bring your drink to the dining room table, unless the hostess invites you to do so.   

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Do you know how to use bookplates?

This darling bookplate was created for my interior design books in our library at Fox Hall by the company, FELIX DOOLITTLE, noted for their extraordinary illustrated papers and gifts.

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Because of social distancing, people are reading more, which made me contemplate this very topic! Why is it that occasionally, when someone borrows a book from you, it inadvertently, (wink-wink) never gets returned? I surmise you have experienced this, too, yes? Ahhh, that is why having a bookplate, which marks ownership, fastened inside your book (or on a kindle!) is to your advantage. 

A bookplate is not only an attractive way to personalize your books, it is inestimable as a subtle reminder to return your borrowed book because it features your name or some reference to your ownership.  Well, at least it will be a hopeful hint in that regard!

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When Lady Carnarvon came from Highclere Castle, aka Downton Abbey, to visit me at Fox Hall, she was also the guest speaker at Hill Stead Museum’s for their immense fundraising event in Farmington. She brilliantly pre-signed her personal bookplates, so that they could easily be placed inside the books to be sold in advance of the event.

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Bookplates originated in Germany in the 15th century. The first bookplates were printed to indicate ownership of a book. They were little works of art, pasted inside the cover of the book.  Bookplates have also been referred to as ex libris, Latin meaning “from the books of”.  They were often an indication of inherited prestige, adorned with the  reference to nobles, who owned treasured books by featuring their coats of arms.  

While present-day use is more for decorative purposes, they are still designed and collected by book lovers who continue to personalize their books in their private libraries.

Millennial Tip

Bookplates can be used in a myriad of other ways.  They can be affixed to your journal or a notebook. I found that they make a meaningful gift for a baby shower (along with a few of my favorite children’s books), for young readers, teachers, and book lovers of all ages.

When you loan a book to someone, it is a prudent idea to mention when you would like  the book back...a week, a month, before you leave for a trip or whatever.  By doing so, it is easier to ask for it back if it is not returned!

Lovely Living!

My dear friend, Kelly J., gave me the most lovely hostess gift: a personalized return-address label with an attractive image of a horse and rider with the address of Fox Hall, our house.  It was created by FELIX DOOLITTLE. They are a boutique stationer with the most attractive artisan-crafted products which feature charming watercolor art creations by Felix Fu.  When I saw their offerings, I was hooked! I discovered their bookplates, which are made with archival paper. They kindly created one with a fox, pictured above, for me.

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How to shower gracefully!

What a joy it was to attend this stunning “Sip and See” celebration for the most adorable baby girl! It was held in a gloriously beautiful historic Boston townhouse.

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This week I received a question from a precious friend’s daughter, whom I adore! She lives in New York but is presently quarantining with her family down south. I thought her inquiry would be a lively topic to cover, especially with the hope and dream of hosting parties again.  Perhaps it will spark conversation within your family, too!

“Mrs. Holden, we are looking for your perspective on the topic of hosting “showers” as we have an inner family debate!  In this modern world, is it appropriate or not, for a family member to host a bridal shower? Please do not hold back on your candid expert opinion. We are hoping for a colorful debate!! (What else do we have to do in a quarantine state!!)"

My response:  I believe that any member of the immediate family (especially the mother) should not host a bridal or baby shower. The traditional thought is that it appears audacious, as if the bride or the family are doing it for the presents, and it is self-serving. If a friend (or a distant relative) hosts the shower, their only interest is to provide the bride or expectant mother with an opportunity to share this wonderful event with family and friends.

Now, is this form of etiquette still relevant today?  I still hear Mummy whispering in my ear, “Yes!” And, I agree as well. It is an old-school secret code. 

However, there is a way to graciously skirt around this if need be.  If no friends have offered to host the shower for various reasons, such as the expense or even the venue size required, and a family member wants to provide the shower, they may ask a dear friend to act as the hostess. The family member can plan the event with the friend, and then the family member actually pays the expenses for the shower. I have witnessed this before. Even if others find out what has transpired, it still comes across as more genteel, and everyone is pleased to be a part of the celebration on behalf of the guest of honor.  

In reference to a baby shower, there is an alternative for a family member who wishes to host a party.  It is perfectly acceptable for a family member, especially a grandmother, to host a “Sip and See” party after the baby is born, instead of a shower which takes place before the baby is born!  If guests choose to bring a gift, that is their prerogative….who can resist not bringing a gift to a newborn?

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Millennial Tip

When hosting a shower or a birthday party where presents are brought for the guest of honor, it is thoughtful to hold off opening the gifts until the dessert is served, or afterward, or not at all. I have attended a shower with over fifty ladies and just the gift opening portion took over two hours! While it is lovely to see what gifts have been given, along with the joy on the recipient’s face, I think it is rather cheeky to take up the time of your guests when it is a large gathering. 

When the time comes to thank your guests for attending, you may then also announce that they are welcome to stay while the gifts are opened, but will understand if they need to leave. 

If you are the guest of honor, remember to give a toast at the beginning of the event to express your gratitude and thank the hostess, and also the guests, for their thoughtfulness and meaningful attendance.

My Gift to You! You Have Earned It!

Speaking of parties and knowing how challenging it has been to be quarantined for what seems like an eternity, I would like to give you a little gift, my secret recipe, in the form of a video, for “Holden Punch”.  It makes its merry appearance at every large gathering at Fox Hall. My daughter-in-law, Karen Holden, joins me in this video. Cheers to our dedicated medical community and essential workers, and to all of you who have respectfully sequestered. I only wish that I could make a glass for each one of you!

Yes, it makes enough for 70, cut in half for 30, and then, you can cut that in half so that you will have enough to make a “party for two” all weekend! Remember to dilute it with an abundance of ice.

If you enjoy this video, consider gaining unlimited access to my archive of videos here.

Lovely Living!

Here are some suggestions for accessories that I either use, give as a gift, specify for my private clients, or contemplate owning! 

When guests arrive at Fox Hall for a party, they are offered a glass of bubbly! These pretty Baccarat crystal Dom Perignon champagne flutes are always appropriate with their timeless design.   
 

What better way to celebrate a bride or a new baby than a garden party!  Create a bespoke tablecloth with this joyful Lilly Pulitzer floral fabric… and make a dress for yourself too! It is available through DesignSourceCT.

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The silver is polished, now what?

I placed this little arrangement with pink spring hyacinths, gathered from our garden at Fox Hall on the bedside table for my husband, Stuart. And now, our bedroom has the sweet memories and aroma of Easter lingering on.

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The day after Easter, a family holiday or a dinner party, your table is still adorned with flowers and decorative accessories, in situ.  So, why not relish this enchanting aspect and make a concerted effort to dine there and enjoy them all week long!  

Admire the polished silver, pretty crystal glasses, flower arrangements and lovely porcelain plates. Don’t let your hard work disappear too quickly! Mummy always said to me, “Dine with your best accouterments every day, not just for special occasions. . Remember, everything tastes better when served on silver or pretty porcelain, and under the gentle glow of candlelight!”

By leaving your dining room table dressed in it’s finest, you will also have a proper reason to use your family napkin rings so that everyone can reuse their linen napkins more than once after the initial celebration.  

If there is a stain on the tablecloth from the antecedent dinner celebration, a clever solution is to open a linen napkin and place it over the stain to cover it.  Then, it is disguised and you can easily pretend that it disappeared! This is exactly what transpires in lovely restaurants when an accidental wine spill occurs.

Millennial Tip

When you are preparing to store your silver, consider using some anti-tarnish silver cloth which can be purchased by the yard from here. I line my drawers with enough of this flannel so that it will cover the top and bottom of the silver, tantamount to a duvet cover!  It truly is a wonder at retarding tarnish on my silver. 

Most flower arrangements have blossoms that vary in their “wilting timetable”! If you have a few flowers that continue to be happy and bloom on, remove them, discarding the sad wilted flowers, and create a smaller arrangement utilizing the remaining lovely flowers.  I love to place a little arrangement by my husband’s bedside for him to enjoy, along with my family’s bedrooms when they come to visit, as a little kiss from me! 

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How to dine differently

This is a page from my book, “The Pretty and Proper Living Room”, photographed in our Living Room at Fox Hall. I chose to surprise Stuart and dine in the living room as a change of venue. I brought in a Pembroke table from another room and removed the coffee table in front of the sofa. The two Hepplewhite chairs are from the Living Room. It was the first day of spring, so I used my grandmother’s flower Limoges plates. We enjoyed a delightfully romantic evening!

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Perhaps you have noticed my new tagline at the base of the MMM logo? I decided to add “Lessons for Lovely Living” to expand the breadth of a gracious lifestyle.  

This will enable me to share more than just Mummy’s etiquette secrets with you. I will venture even further into interior design and entertaining ideas that contribute to a timeless and tailored house.  “Lessons for Lovely Living” will encompass all of the realms and nuances of creating an inviting abode where family and guests do not want to leave! 

On that note, having been sequestering at home for such a length of time, “not wanting to leave” is presently not applicable! Three meals a day at the same table can become rather mundane, right? 
 

As such, why not simply try changing your dinner venue?

From the dining room or the kitchen table, find an unexpected place in your house, even if it is for only one meal. With children, without children, or even by yourself, creating a new venue to dine, any time of year, can contribute to a sense of adventure and a cherished memory. 

Some ideas for dining differently:

If you have children, let them brainstorm and choose a new place to dine.  I am always surprised at what children think of... from the attic to the basement, and anyplace in between. This project will also help to keep them occupied, which is key! If you’re in an apartment, perhaps it would be fun to have a “pretend picnic” where everyone sits on the floor with pillows atop a decorative tablecloth.

Go shopping and incorporate decorative items from around the house!  The treasure hunt is the amusing part. Discover uncommon and meaningful items on your bookshelves, tabletops, china cabinets or, if you have a library, wine cellar, or a garden shed, look in there, too. From an animal theme, to a pink and green theme, horse theme, an Asian theme, even a candlestick theme, or a gold or silver theme, the options are endless.  Consider using different linens, plates and glasses.

Have your children create their own placemats for the occasion or design a “zoo” table with their toys and stuffed animals. (You probably feel like you are already in a zoo, at this point!). Vary the normal seating placement for your family.  Perhaps, seat the youngest where an adult usually sits. 

Please, share with me the new dining destinations that you create in your home!  Because of this present day quarantine situation, we have an opportunity to spend even more time to realize who and what is really important in life...CHEERS to that!

LET'S SPARKLE ON!

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Tasteful alternatives to table numbers!

As a hostess, my table in the Make-Shift Theatre at the Hill Stead Museum featured a petite picture frame with the image of “Jockeys” by Edgar Degas, which is on display in the museum collection. I placed two French lavender sachets by each place card as a nod to France and Impressionist artists. It was a pleasure to arrange the medley of pink flowers for the event.

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When hosting a large event, table names or numbers are required in order for the guests to be able to discover their table.

Being quarantined, for what seems like an eternity, I began to dream about parties! As I viewed some of my photographs for inspiration, I joyfully discovered photographs from the very last event held over a month ago, which I assisted in hosting. My gracious! Times have changed radically since then. Oh, how I cherish those sweet memories of being with dear friends!

The event was a lady’s luncheon to introduce the new Executive Director of the Hill-Stead Museum, Anna Swinborne, to friends and supporters of the museum. The Hill-Stead, a beloved treasure in the historic village of Farmington, Connecticut, is a private country estate designed by Theodate Pope Riddle in 1901 for her parents. Theodate was one of America's first female architects. She worked with the renowned architectural firm of McKim, Mead & White on the Hill-Stead project. Theodate was a graduate of Miss Porter’s School where my two daughters attended, too. I do hope you’ll visit the museum someday, and be sure to walk the stunning gardens and grounds… a must-do! 

As we hostesses organized the table seating chart, we discussed how to reference the eight tables for our guests to discover their table assignment. I suggested that we use something other than just mundane table numbers. Our group came up with the idea to choose eight paintings from the vast collection of stellar artwork displayed in the museum (Monet, Manet, Cassatt, Degas, Whistler, to name a few). We chose a different painting to reference each table. As an avid rider, I jumped at having Edgar Degas' painting, Jockeys, 1886, at my table!

The dedicated museum staff made color copies of the eight paintings and placed them into picture frames for each table. The various images were then duplicated on a portion of the appropriate guest’s name tag to indicate the table where they would be seated. Upon arrival, in the reception area, the guests collected their name tags, along with a celebratory glass of champagne. At the completion of my commencement toast, I made reference to the name tags and explained how guests would use their name tag image to find their table.

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I urge you to think creatively when numbering tables if you are orchestrating a memorable event. Astute Party Planners, the Internet, and Pinterest, all have a plethora of clever examples to inspire you too.

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Claude Monet’s oil painting, “Fishing Boats at Sea.” You will also note there is a bottle of hand sanitizer to the right of the flowers. One was placed on each table by the Museum as a precautionary measure in reference to the COVID-19 Virus. It was removed from the table after it had been passed and used.

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I prefer using pretty silver picture frames to distinguish the table name or number for guests. There are various short and attractive holders to grace a table as a discrete option versus tall holders. Yet, when attending banquets in a vast ballroom, the taller holders are indispensable for guests to find their designated table.
 

Millennial Tip

Once the entire table is seated, if there is a tall table number holder, you may ask the waiter to remove the holder from the table.  I think it diminishes the overall elegance of the table and floral design. Or, as a last resort, quietly place it on the floor, out of the way of tripping anyone.

Forbidden Faux Pas
 

No-no: to change your seat from your assigned table to another table.
 

No-no: if there are place cards arranged on a table, to change the order of place cards unless you have a very, very good reason!

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Surviving Social Distancing

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Our lifestyles have changed radically in the past few weeks, from avoiding handshakes, and now to social distancing. Our world, country, families, loved ones are now experiencing a tsunami wave, crashing over our past, “normal” lifestyle. Social distancing is our current state of affairs. Since we are now sequestered at home, may I share three suggestions that have helped me stay positive… besides a few bottles of wine with Stuart! I would love to hear from you, too.

-Trying my best to be kind, patient and loving, while also sharing a sense of humor…this is not always easy! But, these attributes can be the best gift you can give others. Do you agree? It is paramount for me to stay in touch with loved ones, whether over the phone, on the Internet. I am so very grateful to hear from my family, friends, and you!

-Remembering to thank any medical staff that I know. They are working endless hours, under stressful and dangerous conditions for all of us.

-Keeping patriotism strong and hanging our American flag. America and its democracy is a treasure to be grateful for. We are waging an invisible war together and I believe Americans are up to the challenge.

-Long walks to absorb and appreciate nature. My puppy, Miss Zsa Zsa, loves romping about too!

On another note, while we cannot shake hands, host parties or gather together, you may be inspired in ways you never knew. A business executive shared that during the plague of London in 1665, Issac Newton, who left Cambridge University to live at home during that time, invented calculus. He also watched an apple fall from a tree which in turn, inspired him to understand gravity. Lofty, I know! Just surviving in close quarters with loved ones, or being alone, for an extended period of time, is a huge accomplishment.

Hosting the ladies luncheon, as I shared in my last newsletter, remains a cherished memory. The present requires us to adapt to serious new guidelines of how we live and work at home and in our communities. Hopefully in time, we will return to the joyful social activities we are accustomed to! I am eagerly looking forward to the time when we can once again have friends over to Fox Hall.

Until then, I send you my heartfelt wishes for a sense of humor, a bounty of strength and safety, and an abundance of good health. Keep calm and sparkle on.

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Oh, the simple pleasures in life are to be treasured.

The handshake hiatus: some gracious options to consider!

I enjoyed placing my flower arrangements on the tables at a luncheon held in the Make-Shift Theatre at our beloved Hill-Stead Museum, in Farmington, Connecticut. The bottle of Purelle was hidden behind the flowers!

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We are all aware, because of the Coronavirus, that health officials have requested that we abstain from offering or receiving a handshake. Many of you have asked me to touch upon this subject. Here are a few of my suggestions of how to graciously adapt to this new handshake hiatus protocol. 

For dear friends and loved ones, my daughter, Caroline, suggested the “air kiss” which I think works brilliantly. Just the mere gesture of a big smile, hands semi-stretched out, and the “kiss- kiss” pantomime gesture (without actually touching the person), works like a charm to convey your joy upon greeting someone. When meeting a person for the first time, I admit it is truly a challenge not to extend my hand! 

Prince Charles was also photographed offering an alternative greeting. He used “Namaste,” India’s gesture of clasping palms together, along with a slight bow, when meeting people. Having just hosted a luncheon for 55 ladies, to introduce our brilliant new Director of the Hill-Stead Museum, I suggested this very same method in place of a receiving line which I had originally planned! 

The offering of the elbow, accompanied by a smile, is a simple and well-received gesture too. Our former nanny made me giggle when she hinted that eventually an “elbow” emoji would probably be created! 

The foot touching greeting is a clever adaptation, but I find it rather awkward. 

What happens when someone forgets and extends their hand? I would like to suggest that you choose one of the gestures above or the alternative: to embrace the handshake. I admit, I have shaken an outstretched hand because I do not want to offend the other person's gesture. But, in this instance, I make certain that I do not shake anyone else’s hand before sanitizing my own. For the few instances when I do shake another person’s outstretched hand, I cover my hands with sanitizer that I keep in my purse afterwards. Gentlemen, I imagine you are able to carry a small bottle in one of your pockets.  It is considerate to apply the sanitizer incognito, either under the table, around the corner, or in the bathroom.

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Prince Charles has opted to use the Hindu “Namaste” greeting, with hands in a prayer-like gesture, in place of a handshake.

Millennial Tip
 

While hosting the ladies luncheon mentioned above, the museum opted to place a bottle of hand sanitizer on each of our dining tables. It was a brilliant idea. We instructed the hostess at each table to offer it to their guests by passing the bottle around, once everyone was seated. After each guest had the opportunity to use it, the bottle was placed on the floor next to the table hostess so that it would not distract from the elegant table setting. Needless to say, the bottle pass-along was well received!

Loud mobile phone talkers... what can you do about it?

A slice of French paradise! The pool at the Hotel Ritz Paris is a quiet respite for any lucky guest.

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Just recently, I was a snowbird happily rejoicing in the worship of the sun, poolside in Palm Beach. The warmth, after being in five-degree weather out West, felt like a re-charging cocoon of delight for my body and soul. It was heaven on earth… for about ten minutes. My state of bliss was abruptly interrupted by a guest who picked up her ringing phone and proceeded to announce, through her conversation, that she was indeed important with many deals to discuss, loudly, for over thirty minutes. The other annoyed guests, grimacing to one another, moved away from her. It was obvious that she was going to continue to talk loudly, without any consideration to others around her. Have you had this happen to you too?

This same type of annoyance also transpired while relishing an elegant lunch in Le Cinq, at the Hotel George V, Paris. My husband and I was on one side of the grand dining room and could hear every detail being discussed by a gentleman over his mobile phone on the far side of the dining room. Guests were giving him wild glances of discernment, which did not resonate on his politeness Richter scale. After ten minutes, the Maitre d’hotel went over and asked the gentleman to kindly not use a mobile phone in the dining room, which is blatantly displayed on a sign by the entrance.  He continued talking... for what seemed like an eternity, rudely ignoring the request. 

So, how does one graciously deal with this public display of disrespectful phone behavior, and still be gracious? My course of action is to quietly ask the person in charge, whether it is the maitre d’hotel, the pool attendant, or a plane purser, to address the situation and hope that the guest listens to their plea to either lower their voice, step outside, or put their phone away. What would you do?

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Evening glove savvy! Your questions answered!

The pinnacle of regal elegance! HM The Queen wears bracelets outside of her evening gloves.

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When evening gloves are worn to a formal event, there are specific etiquette guidelines you may wish to be privy to!  

Can you eat with gloves on?

No, whether you’re standing or seated at a dining table, avoid eating with gloves on. 

Can you drink with gloves on?

Yes, it is acceptable to drink with your gloves on. 

May jewelry be worn on top of your gloves?

Yes, an evening bracelet may be worn over a glove, but not rings… I doubt a ring would even fit over a glove! 

Where do you place your evening gloves when seated at a formal dinner? 

Gracefully remove your gloves, fold them in half, and place them on your lap with your napkin over them. The gloves may be removed either before being seated or at the dinner table. Put them back on when dinner is over.  

Do you wear evening gloves while dancing?

Yes, indeed! 
 

Are cotton evening gloves acceptable to wear?

Yes, cotton evening gloves are traditionally worn by debutants in the South.

Should you wear your formal gloves when shaking hands or while standing in a receiving line? 

Yes, you may shake hands with evening gloves on, except when shaking hands with the President, the First Lady, or a high ranking church or government official. Evening gloves are unlike outside gloves, where one would always remove them before shaking hands.

When presenting your hand to be kissed, should you take your glove off? 

You may keep your glove on when your hand is kissed by a gentleman. This is such a charming, old-world European tradition which is still practiced today. I will never forget when my German son-in-law kissed my hand upon our first meeting… I thought to myself, he is a keeper!  

Millennial Tip

To gracefully remove your gloves, gently push down the arm portion toward your wrist. Then, pull each finger until the glove slips off. 

To put gloves on, work in the hand from the wrist, then gradually smooth the glove up the arm. Try not to pull from the top.

Another option, when dining, is to semi-remove your gloves if your evening gloves are mousquetaires, which have three buttons at the wrists. Undo the buttons, then pull your hand out from the opening, and tuck the remainder of the glove neatly up to the wrist inside. Mummy did this, but I think it is easier to simply remove the gloves all together when dining! 

No one wears gloves more appropriately and often than HM The Queen! Ever since Queen Elizabeth II’s honeymoon, Cornelia James, who holds a Royal Warrant, has been making her gloves. Another source I have used to purchase custom gloves is Florentine Gloves. Unfortunately, the company I recommended in my last newsletter was acquired, and so I can no longer vouch for their product based on personal experience. 

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Are nametags placed on your right or left side?

What a glorious “dinner and dancing” evening I attended at Club Colette, in Palm Beach, celebrating with CEO.org. It was brilliantly hosted by Ambassador Bonnie McElveen-Hunter and Mr. and Mrs. William Morton. The charming and very talented CEO.org staff were so sweet to have their photograph taken with me to show off our nametags for this newsletter, even though I typically recommend taking them off before being photographed!

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We have all attended various functions, whether it be a business, church or garden club meeting, where a nametag is expected to be worn. If the occasion does arrive, you may wish to know how to wear one appropriately!
 

When you are offered a nametag to wear on your clothing, place it on your right side, and take a moment to be sure it is straight. The thoughtful reason behind having it displayed on your right side, and not your left, is that when you are shaking hands, you are looking straight at the nametag. This is important to note, especially for gentlemen, since they are often apt to place it on their left side coat pocket.  
 

Nametags, also referred to as badges, can come in a variety of styles: pin-on, magnetic, stick-on adhesive, clip-on, or hanging from a cord like a necklace. CEO.org always provides adjustable cords on their necklace-type nametags, my favorite variety. 

What do you do if you are wearing a silk dress and do not want to poke a hole through the silk with a pin-on nametag? I have found that silk is resilient and I simply scratch the hole with my finger once the nametag is removed and the fibers come back together. It’s best to think in advance about what clothing to wear prior to attending an event in the anticipation of wearing a nametag. 

If you are given a nametag which is dangling from a ribbon or cord like a necklace, try your best to adjust it to about the same level as where a pin-on nametag would be. Since I am petite in height, this type of nametag occasionally will come down to my waist! It’s not easy for someone to read your nametag when it is hanging that low, so I make a knot in the ribbon, in the back, to adjust it up. 

 

Millennial Tip

Remember to take your nametag off when being photographed! It looks more professional and, besides that, you never know how the photographs will be used.

Nametags are not normally worn at a social event. When planning a cocktail party or gala event, take nametags off of your to-do list!

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The flower arrangements on all of the tables at Club Colette were simply stunning creations!

Do you know how to wear long evening gloves, should the occasion arise?

When our youngest daughter Caroline (in white) made her debut at The Infirmary Ball in New York City, it was a few days before Christmas. What a magical evening it was with family and friends who came from afar to celebrate with us! It was the perfect occasion to wear opera length gloves.

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Yes indeed, long evening gloves still reign supreme for a few formal events!
 

You may think, ladies, that long, kid leather gloves  are out of style, but at certain social events, they are timelessly traditional and de rigueur.  
 

Evening gloves, also referred to as opera length gloves, reach over the elbow, and are the epitome of formal elegance. For formal and semi-formal events, ladies' gloves come in three lengths: wrist, elbow, and opera or full-length. Soft, buttery, kid leather evening gloves continue to be a refined, graceful wardrobe accessory… one which I adore wearing when the opportunity presents itself! 

To decide the length of the glove to be worn, consider the arm length of your formal or cocktail dress. A sleeveless, strapless, or short sleeve dress is appropriate for an evening glove. Conversely, the longer the sleeve, the shorter the glove.  
 

If you are attending a white tie or black tie function, a debutante ball, or the opening night of the Opera or the symphony, it is a good idea to make an inquiry in advance to your host, or the head of the event and confirm that evening gloves will be worn, if you are not sure.
 

White and ivory are the traditional color for evening gloves. Mummy shared with me that it is best never to deviate from these classic, time-honored colors. Evening gloves should only be in leather, never satin! 

Should the occasion arise for you to wear a pair of evening gloves, (and you never know!) be advised that it takes several weeks to have a pair made. It is truly best to have them custom made so that they fit your hand and arm correctly. This company is the one I have ordered successfully from. They explain how to trace your hand and arm on paper to make a bespoke template. 

Next week, I will discuss more “glove savvy” on the do’s and don'ts of evening glove etiquette! 
 

(Can you eat, drink or shake hands in evening gloves?)
 

Addendum
 

In reference to my last newsletter about phone etiquette, I would like to mention that if one has an important reason then it is acceptable to have a phone readily available. Whether it's for medical reasons or anything else, a phone can discreetly be placed on your lap under your napkin, in a pocket, or, if need be, on the table facing down! I do believe that phone use for emergency purposes is always acceptable. 

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When should you place your phone on a dinner table?

Have you ever been tempted to place your cell phone on the table?! This amusing picture above was sent to me by a darling friend, so I just had to share it!

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The presence of cell phones on the table has snuck in the back door and become the norm for many. While I touched upon this in another MMM newsletter this subject, like having a drink in one's hand while being photographed, is worth mentioning again! 

Mummy did not have to contend with cell phones on the dinner table since taking a phone to a party was not even an option back then. Today, of course, it’s hard to find a restaurant where families, couples, and children aren’t looking into their phones. Welcome to 2020! 

When attending a black tie dinner with my husband Stuart at Buckingham Palace, we were given strict instructions that cell phones were not allowed and would be collected, along with our coats, as we entered the palace. That took care of that! 

When attending a black tie wedding at a notable church recently, in the vestibule was an attractively framed message for guests: 'No photographs allowed. Cell phones should be silenced.' That covered both bases!

So, while all the guests respected the church’s request, many took a few photographs during the cocktail reception which followed, including myself. 

As may be discerned and as the amusing picture above shows, proper form dictates keeping the cell phone tucked away in a purse, or pocket, and to never place it on the dining table! 

Besides formality, however, I believe there’s something to be said about simply allowing yourself to be present and ‘in the moment’ for any given occasion. Whether it’s the birth of a new grandchild, a wedding, or even going to a nice restaurant, allowing yourself to notice the details is different than looking at it through your iPhone camera and thinking about your social media friends!  

Millennial Tip

Being respectful is key. I think it is imperative to ask permission before you post a photograph of anyone or anything on social media.

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Should you hold a drink in your hand when being photographed?

Standing with my precious friends at a glorious wedding in Chicago! Our champagne glasses were placed aside when my husband took this photograph. Look behind the mother of the bride, on the right, to see a glimmer of the tree of white orchids that was sky high!

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While attending a most grand wedding in Chicago recently, the question was posed to me by a few ladies, dear friends of mine, as we were standing together at the glorious black tie cocktail reception: do we need to set down our drinks for a group photograph?  

It was such a joyous occasion, having a drink in our hands only felt natural! To my amazement, however, I heard Mummy’s words in the back of my head saying, “place your drink to the side, and out of your hand, when posing for a photograph!” Mummy recommended not to be photographed with a drink in your hand. Her reason? It does not appear ladylike! While times have changed and are more relaxed, I understand what she was trying to say to me. 

For both men and women, a glass or anything else you hold in a photograph can be translated as some kind of statement. A photograph lives on and on. One never knows how it will be used in the future, and in these rampant, photo-posting social media days, it can be interpreted in the wrong way, especially if the photograph is unbecoming.

So, my response to them was, “it’s probably best not to have a drink in your hand.” Another option is to keep your glass in your hand, but to disguise it behind the back of the person you are standing next to. I placed my glass behind me on a table, as did the others, and we posed for a jubilant picture together! We now have a fond memory we will all cherish.

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When you wear a diamond tiara, what is the protocol?

This is a sweet memory of my daughter Caroline, at home, dressed as Princess Grace (tiara and all) for a history presentation in grade school!

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A diamond tiara may be the most consummate, prized jewelry piece in a lady’s repertoire. Its noble history and elegant sparkle lend a stunningly elegant aura to any lady who wears one! Should an occasion arise in your future for you to wear a tiara, you should be aware of the protocol that comes along with the tradition of it. 

According to the English protocol, diamond tiaras are only worn by married women or members of the royal family. A tiara is not worn by an unmarried woman. Hence, a diamond tiara brilliantly serves not only as a status symbol for a married lady but is tantamount to a wedding ring. It is an outward display that she is married and therefore not looking for a husband. 

Traditionally, a diamond tiara is passed down through one's family. If you inherited one, you have a good reason to keep it! 

Historically, a bride wore her family’s tiara on her wedding day. Nowadays, however, it is also acceptable to wear the future husband’s family tiara. Lady Diana wore her Spencer family tiara on her wedding day. This means, however, that the bride will change over to her husband’s family’s tiara, along with its jewels, once she is married.

As an interesting aside, Prince Harry's wife, Megan Markle, can no longer wear a tiara for diplomatic and royal functions, since she has relinquished her royal duties and no longer has the HRH title.

Millennial Tip

A lady may wear both a crown or a tiara, where as a gentleman only wears a crown, and a crown tends to be more elaborate than a tiara. 

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Do you have a "diamond dilemma"?!

How delightful it was to feature the extensive collection of elegant jewelry pieces at Scully &Scully with Vicky Shade on my YouTube channel.

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Do you have a “diamond dilemma”?!
 

Now that is an oxymoron… how could anyone have a dilemma with a diamond?! Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, right?  

Well, here is the dilemma- the traditional rule of etiquette, which you may or may not be privy to, is that diamonds are not worn during the daytime. Diamonds are worn only after dusk, or after 6 in the evening! Even the Royal protocol in England dictates this rule. So, do you ignore OR respect this traditional etiquette rule of thumb? 

This rule applies to diamond watches, earrings, bracelets, necklaces, and tiaras. Wedding and engagement rings, and pins, are exempt from this old-school rule.  Any other type of gemstones, as well as pearls, may all be worn in the daytime. But, not diamonds. They are considered too “flashy” for the daytime. Nighttime is when diamonds are at their best to twinkle. Diamonds add sparkle, especially at White Tie (Evening Dress in the UK), and Black Tie events and cocktail receptions. 

Way back when I wanted to wear a pair of lovely little diamond and pearl earrings to a sophisticated, daytime event, and Mummy said, “It’s just not done, darling!” We can all agree that times are now more relaxed.

Perhaps the most essential advice here is to acknowledge the rules as guidelines and to follow your intuition from there. 

Leave a little sparkle where ever you go! Our sponsor, Scully & Scully, offers a simply stupendous array of the most elegant jewelry. 

Have you ever wanted to wear a sparkly, diamond tiara? More diamond details next week!

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Mr. Michael Scully, who kindly wrote the foreword for my first book, is the president of Scully & Scully on Park Avenue, which his parents started in 1934. It is the oldest store on Park Avenue, and one of my most favorite with the most exquisite decorative items ... not to mention, jewelry galore!

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Why is a receiving line such a lovely tradition?

At my wedding reception, Mummy made sure that champagne was offered to our guests waiting in the receiving line, which is a brilliant way to start the festivities!

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A receiving line is such a lovely tradition, purposely created for the opportunity for hosts, and the guest of honor, or the bride and groom, to meet each guest attending their party or reception!

Receiving lines are certainly not passé as some may think but are actually quite stylish. In fact, a receiving line is de rigueur (required etiquette) for a majority of regal, military or formal official celebrations. Having a receiving line at receptions, weddings, funerals, and even luncheons, is a brilliant and gracious way of enabling the guests to shake hands and introduce themselves to the hosts, thank them, wish them well or offer condolences. I encourage you to consider having a receiving line when there are more than fifty guests invited.

From luncheons to fund-raising receptions at Fox Hall, our two daughters’ weddings, as well as our own wedding reception in Richmond, Virginia, I highly recommend having a receiving line. It’s a truly jolly way to commence any festive occasion!

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A traditional receiving line always precedes the gala dinner benefit for The Versailles Foundation, Inc. Gala Dinner in New York City.

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For a formal, regal or military receiving line, quite often there is an "announcer" at the start of the line who does not shake your hand, but listens to your name, which you clearly enunciate. Then, the announcer will present you to the host, to whom you do shake hands with, and the host then introduces you to the guest of honor or person next to them. It is best to check the protocol for any military function.

In lieu of an announcer, the hostess/host of the event is the first in line to greet the guests and will introduce each guest to the guest of honor. Memory can fail, no matter how dear of a friend the host may be, so kindly announce your name and continue to repeat your name to each person you shake hands with in the line!

The host and guest of honor receiving line should consist of no more than 5-6 people. It is a kind and necessary gesture, as a guest, to only say a sentence or two while going through the receiving line, as others are waiting behind you. It is not the time to have a conversation, no matter how tempting it may be! Simply say your name and "how do you do?" to the host, or express your happiness to have been invited. Then, promptly move on to the next person in line, repeat your name and keep the receiving line moving. A lady guest will precede a gentleman guest when going through the line. A reminder when meeting royalty: ladies curtsy and gentlemen bow their heads.

How long does this all take? Well, the approximate time is 20 seconds for each guest, and the average time for 100 guests to go through a receiving line is 30-45 minutes. For 200 guests, it is 45-60 minutes. It may be impossible for a host or guest of honor to meet all 100 guests without a receiving line, so that is just another reason to have one! It is perfectly acceptable to end the receiving line after 45 minutes.

If the receiving line is too long, it is apropos to mingle with other guests, and then, return back to the receiving line. It is thoughtful to have an appointed person to direct guests where they should go after the receiving line, for their well-earned libations! It is also appropriate to have a glass of water discreetly placed behind the guest of honor to sip upon as needed.

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Hosting fifty ladies at Fox Hall for a celebratory luncheon to honor Lady Carnarvon from Highclere Castle (aka Downton Abbey) as the guest speaker for May Market at the Hill-Stead Museum, was the perfect opportunity to have a receiving line in our front hall!

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-no: For a guest to have a drink or any food in hand when going through a receiving line.
What is done: A guest may place their drink on a table, usually provided near the beginning of the receiving line, before the guest shakes hands. The guest may collect their drink after the receiving line, or go to get another.

No-no: An unenthusiastic, no eye-contact, limp handshake greeting from those in the receiving line (host and guest of honor) meeting the guests.
What is done: No matter how long the line is, as the host or guest of honor, try your best to give the same genuine enthusiasm, smile and firm handshake to each guest that you meet, making the last guest in line feel as celebrated as the first!

No-no: Wearing sunglasses while shaking hands.
What is done: Remove your sunglasses, and squint if necessary! When creating the placement of the receiving line, it is beneficial to take the sun into consideration so that it is not directly in anyone's eyes.

No-no: Cell phones in hand, or not silenced.

What is the most appropriate flower arrangement on a dining room table? Low is the way to go.

My precious friend Kelly is sweet, stylish, and oh, so talented in everything that she does. My husband and I were invited to dinner at her stunning house, and I asked if I could take a photograph of her simple and elegant, white hydrangea arrangements… understated perfection!

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There is nothing more elegant than flowers picked from the garden and arranged to grace a dining room table! Mummy instilled in me that the most appropriate flower arrangement for a dining room table must be low enough so that you can easily see the guests seated on the opposite side of the table. The whole purpose of dining is to have conversations and to interact with the other guests, which is nearly impossible if the flower arrangement is too high! Playing peek-a-boo around a garden bush outside is amusing, but not at a dinner table.

Garden flowers are always a treasure to behold in an arrangement, but if you do not have a garden, or if you are in a season without flowers, purchasing them is still a lovely option. I sometimes intertwine store-bought flowers with my garden flowers too.

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Fox Hall had a banner crop of hydrangea blossoms, so I mixed them with store bought roses to line the dinner table on the verandah.

I remember having lunch at Althorp. The table had four or five simple silver revere bowls filled with white roses, cut just high enough to make a rounded dome of rose blossoms a couple of inches high over the bowl. They were placed down the center of the dining room table... discrete, elegant and classic.

The dinner party to celebrate the Christening of my daughter's twins took place in the simply charming, historic thatched roof Tichborn Arms, near Alresford, England. Guests flew in from around the world. It was such a memorable evening, filled with heartfelt toasts and much love.

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When I purchase flowers, I find it is best to do it several days in advance, so that they can open up for me when I arrange them the day of my event. Full blown roses and peonies are always spectacular. And, I like to use a variety of flowers, depending on the time of year. I even like some that others may consider wild, or even weed flowers, which I pick from the field at Fox Hall.

Large functions outside or in an event venue are an exception to the low-arrangement rule. Tall vases are used to add drama and height. I have noticed that the stems on these tall vases are either thin or clear glass, so that one can still see across the table!

This silver trumpet vase works well when placed on my piano, as it adds needed height to the front hall. The flowers are all from my husband Stuart's garden at Fox Hall.

How should one sit in a dining room chair? Gently!

A silk kidney pillow graces all of my Chippendale dining room chairs. You can be creative and use different, but complementary, fabrics and trims, as I did here.

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Dining room chairs are inherently delicate due to their pierced backs and delicate splats (the exposed portion of the wood design behind your back). Traditional chairs such as Chippendale, Hepplewhite and ribbon-back are not meant to support your back. In fact, formally, your back should never touch the back of the chair! Remember that sitting up straight always looks more handsome and engaging than a slouching back.

Mummy said that both men and women should sit down gently and gracefully. Leaning on the chair is not only just not done, it is quite embarrassing for both the guest and the host if the chair back breaks (which I have witnessed). So, unlike a fireside chair or a fully upholstered chair, purposely designed for comfort, a classically designed dining room chair remains an elegant adornment for elegant dining.

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-no: Touching your hair while seated at the dining room table. I have noticed younger generations feel quite comfortable flicking their long hair back or stroking a ponytail.

No-no: Applying any type of makeup at the dining room table.

The exception to this rule exists in some parts of the South, which I am accustomed to, at an informal dinner where a lady can apply lipstick, very discreetly.

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This is an example of a ribbon-back chair with a needlepoint seat. I designed a kidney pillow with documented historic Brunschwig & Fils fabric and trim for a touch of pink in my living room at Fox Hall!

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Millennial Tip

Adding a down-filled, kidney-shaped pillow (see above) to the back of a dining room chair adds comfort for your guests’ back, and also looks quite lovely.

Upholstering your dining room chairs in traditional leather (depending on the texture and how it is tanned) can look quite handsome and is also practical, as it is durable and easy to wipe off any of the “hopping tidbits” from a child’s fork!