Monograms for a Married Couple: Whose Initial Goes First?

As a married couple (for 43 years!) my initial is on the left, our surname larger in the center, and Stuart's initial is on the right.

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"If it is not moving, monogram it!" This is how Reese Witherspoon refers to monogramming in her darling book, Whiskey in a Teacup, and it sums up my southern sentiments as well. Monogramming is an essential element in the South for timeless and tailored houses. Towels, sheets, coverlets, shams, without a monogram... well, they just look naked, like a cupcake without frosting! This also goes for silver, writing paper, and photograph frames. The list is endless.

For a married couple, the bride's first initial comes first on the left, the surname of the couple in the center, and the groom's first initial on the right, in that order. This joint monogram is used mainly on items that the couple will use together, such as sheets in their bedroom and towels in their bathroom.

Once married, a woman who has taken on her husband's last name has two choices. Her first name on the left, her married surname in the center, and either her maiden name on the right OR her middle name on the right. I chose the latter. The woman is considered the hostess of the house, so her initials are the ones used for most items in the household. A woman's maiden initials are always appropriate to use, even after she is married.

A monogram for a single woman or single man is as you would imagine, with the first name on left, the last name in the center and the middle name on the right.

If a name has more than three initials, as my father's did with five, then they are written in a straight line, instead of having the last name centered.

Script is quite often the font of choice for women and babies, while a block font is quite handsome for men. The various fonts and styles are endless, making a gift with a monogram so thoughtful and unique.

Mummy chose to have her initials all the same size, in a line, on her linens here. Her first name E, maiden name W, and married name E, is last.

On a little throw blanket in my office, the initials are: left first name, center last name, and my middle name on right.

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What goes well with a gift?

A Gift Enclosure Card and Envelope!

Gift enclosure cards, with their matching envelopes, are a thoughtful adornment on any gift. A little note written on the gift card, along with your name, is a splendid way to let the recipient know who gave the gift to them.

Here are examples of some of my gift enclosure cards and envelopes. I placed an informal fold-over card on the bottom right, with a line through my name, so that you can visually see the size difference between the cards. The gift card on the right, with my blue monogram, is a petite fold-over gift enclosure card. Because the cards are diminutive in size, approximately 2 1/2" x 3 1/2", there is not much room to write more than a sentence or two! For example:
 

Dearest Caroline,

We have been looking forward to this evening and thank you for including us! xoxo Holly
 

I think it is lovely to have gift enclosure cards custom made. One box of 50 or 100 should last you a longggg time! By having your name, initials or a monogram on the card, it will suddenly become a unique representation of you, just like your custom writing paper.  

On the left is an engraved gift enclosure card on white stock paper from Tiffany & Co. Like an informal note, if the recipient of the gift is a dear friend, I draw a line through my name and write a little message underneath.

The stylish card on the right is from precious friends who had their enclosure cards custom made in London. It is charming to see three tiny gold initials. The wife "T" and the husband "J,” with the last name initial "L" below. Remember ladies, your name/ initials go first, before the man's.

At the bottom, on ecru colored stock, are three strong double Roman block letters, fitting for this gentleman who has great classic style. His daughter, along with our daughter, were the co-captains of two Varsity sports teams at Miss Porter's School. His gift enclosure card accompanied the baby gift of a Miss Porter's shirt for our first granddaughter!

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A few more examples of enclosure cards... the red fold-over Christmas tree is from Crane & Company, the package of flower gift cards was a gift to me from a sweet friend, and the precious pink card and envelope, with the delicate white stripe border, accompanied a lovely Tiffany pen. A dear friend gave the pen to me when she heard that my first book had been published. I adore how she writes, especially using the word, "smasheroo!”

These two gift card envelopes feature a traditional tissue paper lining, which is very European. The colors that you choose for the card and envelope paper, along with the option of a contrast lining, are similar to designing a dress. Oh, so many colorful variations from which to choose!

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Thank You Notes - Part V

From Left to Right: Mark Cross Rollerball pen, 3 Mont Blanc fountain pen nibs, and a pink Conklin fountain pen.

The Secret Behind Fountain Pen Nibs

An authentic fountain pen is the best and most traditional choice of writing instrument. A rollerball pen (not a ballpoint) with black or blue ink, would be my choice. Fountain pens can take a while to get used to, depending on the nib size. Practice first if you are not accustomed to using one. Also, fountain pen ink can take a few seconds longer to dry than a rollerball, so take that into consideration when writing, to avoid smudging the ink all over your writing paper.

The nib is where the ink flows out at the point of the fountain pen onto the paper. I highly recommend trying out several nibs at either a Mont Blanc store or a stationery store that sells fountain pens before you buy one. For my particular style of handwriting, a Fine (.06mm line thickness) or Medium point (.08) works well. My mother-in-law uses a bold (1.0) nib and I adore her handwriting- strong and bold with flourishes!

Top Left: Three different sized nibs for Mont Blanc fountain pens. Top Right: Rollerball by Mark Cross

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Why are menu cards majestic?

Having a menu card for an event elevates the occasion and honors the celebration or the person being feted. It also lets guests know what to expect. With the date and the occasion printed on the card, it can become a keepsake for your guests, too.

Menu cards are printed vertically and are approximately 5" x 8" in size, give or take a few inches in each direction. I have my menu cards custom made using white, 110-pound stock, with a black image of Fox Hall printed on the top and center. The cards are 4 1/4" wide x 5 1/2" high. I use these cards as menu cards, as well as for impromptu notes. I specify rounded corners, which I adore, as they are quite prevalent in Europe, and most aesthetically pleasing to the eye! Menu cards are traditionally printed in black ink, and occasionally gold or a color to complement the design on the card.

The menu card is placed either on the table to the left of the forks, on the butter plate (sans butter), or on the dinner plate. It may also be set in a holder, so that it stands up. If using a holder (similar to a place card holder), it may be placed above either the dinner plate or the butter plate, centered.

If you are going to have menu cards, remember that each guest receives one at their place setting. It is a thoughtful gesture to offer one as it allows your guests to see in advance what will be served, adding to their eager anticipation! It also alerts your guests to potential food allergies they may have. (On that note, as a gracious guest, it is your responsibility to alert your hostess prior to the date of the event of any allergies that you may have.)

I like to add the year to the date printed on my menu card, so that I too, can remember when the event took place... it always seems like it was just yesterday!

We have three darling friends who share almost the same birth date as my husband in April, which is the zodiac sign of the Ram. Hence, I named them the "Rambunctious Rams" for their unruly, albeit formal, celebratory dinner each year! Yes, Stuart, my husband, delights our guests with a firework display at many of our dinner parties. Our guests adjourn from dinner and enjoy the fireworks on the terrace while viewing them from above on our verandah at Fox Hall.

This menu card represents a momentous and memorable dinner at Dr. and Mrs. Paul R.C. Sullivan's elegant house. Stuart and I met, for the first time, the CEO of CPTV public television, Jerry Franklin on this evening, where I was seated next to Jerry at dinner. I like to think of this dinner as not only a splendid occasion but also as a most serendipitous event for me. Eventually, this dinner party led to working with Jerry and CPTV to create my PBS television series, You Are Cordially Invited. We even filmed the pilot episode at the Sullivan house, concluding at that very same dining room table!

Here are two examples of royal menu cards that I wanted to share with you.

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Thank You Notes - Part IV

The Art of the Handwritten Note

A well composed, handwritten note is a very thoughtful gift you can give to someone. With the plethora of emails and texts these days, a handwritten note is a precious sight for sore eyes! You know that someone has taken the time to compose and write meaningful words, just for you.

Some feel handwriting is a lost art, but I feel it is alive and well, especially for those who understand the social and business significance of it.

When you are handwriting a thank you note, be sure to write on the correct sides of your writing paper, in this order:

By simply looking at someone's unique handwriting on the outside of an envelope addressed to you, there is a chance that you might immediately recognize who it is from, conjuring up eager anticipation! Occasionally, I discover a handwritten note from Mummy or Daddy inside a book or on a gift given to me. Immediately, I feel their loving presence when I see my mother's loopy handwriting or when I view my father's distinct handwriting in his traditional blue fountain pen ink. Have you ever had this happen?

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Millennial Tip

Regretfully, only a handful of states still teach cursive writing in elementary schools. Fortunately, there is a renewed interest in the art of cursive writing for adults.

Letter Writers Alliance has 15,000 members who are passionate about letter writing and wish to keep it alive.

Sip and Script offers 90-minute classes on the art of cursive handwriting, hosting events around the country! Learn more here.

My Favorite Etiquette Books

Addressing an envelope and knowing the appropriate salutations can be a minefield of protocol with various titles and ranks. I do not pretend to know these by heart and must always look them up!

There are a myriad of etiquette books and experts to choose from and listen to these days. I have been asked which are my personal favorite reference books, which I have listed below. (And, can you keep a secret? In the near future, I look forward to sharing my book with you, which will be a compilation of Mummy's Monday Manners newsletters!)

Mummy's old copy of Amy Vanderbilt's New Complete Book of Etiquette, 1962, is my most cherished etiquette book... many of the pages have become unbound and torn over the many years of loving use! There is a newer, 50th-anniversary edition available, but I still prefer to use my old copy.

May I also suggest that you treat yourself to a copy of Emily Post's Etiquette 19th Edition, a stellar reference book for your house and/or office. Lizzie Post is the great-great-granddaughter of Emily Post and the co-author of this newest edition. Lizzie and I have individually been invited to be guests on the Welcome Home Podcast, where I had the most delightful time discussing "Holiday Etiquette" with the co-hosts of the podcast, my dear friends, Graham Smith andKirsten Dunlap.

William Hanson's Bluffer's Guide series on etiquette is simply brilliant! William is a charming friend and the leading expert on etiquette in the U.K. Visit www.williamhanson.co.uk for more information.

The Green Book, which is the social list of Washington, D.C., has been published by four generations of family since 1930, with a new edition debuting every fall. Each edition lists the invited members, along with stellar reference pages for protocol and etiquette. I still refer to Mummy's old copies.

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-no: When addressing an envelope, using the words “To” or “From” for the addresses. The placement of the address and the return address on the envelope indicates who the note is to and from!

Thank You Notes - Part III

It can be a challenge to know how to address an envelope correctly, depending on title, rank, or whether a lady is married, divorced, or single...the list goes on and on. The same holds true in knowing the correct salutation to use in regard to rank and title.

When addressing an envelope to a couple, traditionally the rule of thumb is that a man's name is never separated from his last name. For example, the correct way to address my husband and me is:

Mr. and Mrs. R. Stuart Holden

Be aware that rank and title will change the order of the names for a married couple. If the woman outranks her husband with a professional or educational degree, and uses her title socially, then she goes first when addressing a married couple. For example:

Dr. Holly Holden and Mr. R. Stuart Holden
 

Without a title, such as Mr. and Mrs., the names are listed with the woman's name first: 

Holly and Stuart Holden
 

So, just remember that ladies go first, and then men, followed by the children.

Formally, when addressing an envelope to a married lady, you would use her husband's name:

Mrs. R. Stuart Holden

But these days, it is appropriate to use: 

Mrs. Holly Holden

You can imagine which way I prefer… using my husband's name!

A single lady, or a married lady who has kept her maiden name, are best addressed as Ms. versus Miss. But, for a girl 18 and under, Miss can still be used.

For the salutation on a note to a married couple:

Formal: Dear Mr. and Mrs. Holden
Informal: Dear Holly and Stuart (ladies first!)

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-no: When addressing an envelope, using the words “To” or “From” for the addresses. The placement of the address and the return address on the envelope indicates who the note is to and from!

Thank You Notes - Part II

Happy New Year and thank YOU for your enthusiastic support for my newsletters!

I am honoured (the English, formal way to spell “honor”) that you have encouraged so many others to sign up too, and I hope you will continue to do so. Thank you so very much!

My wish for you...

May love and kindness be a beacon of light, so that your 2019 may be merry and bright!

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Notecards can be store bought or customized with engraving, embossing or printing. Please refer to my past newsletter, “Thank You Notes- Part I,” here, for a more in-depth explanation on the various nuances of how to write a proper card. Refer to my past newsletter, “What is the most sincere type of sympathy card?” here, on reasons why you may draw a line through your name.

When composing your thank you note, do your best to personalize it by explaining why you like the gift, and how or where you will use or display the gift. This seems elementary, but quite often, these simple steps are neglected! The more specific you are, the more endearing and meaningful your note will be to the recipient.

For the closing lines of your note, consider saying that you look forward to seeing the person you are writing to soon so that you can thank them again in person. Wish them well for the new year, or express a bon voyage for an upcoming trip they will embark upon, etc. These thoughtful gestures serve to graciously emphasize how much you care about them and that you are grateful for their gift to you.

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-no: To wet/seal the entire envelope flap.
What is done: Only the tip of the V-shaped flap is sealed. Then, it is easier for the recipient to open the envelope. It also allows you to take a little secret peek underneath the flap to see the diminutive embossed name of the stationery company. It is located on the back, left inside of the envelope. Top notch stationery companies such as Tiffany, Cartier, Mrs. John L. Strong, and Smythson do this. My Mummy showed me this when I received the handwritten R.s.v.p. responses to my wedding. I thought it was a brilliant little secret, and it inspired me to have elegant stationery!

Holiday joy and homemade hostess gifts

Merry Christmas and joyful holiday wishes to YOU!

Being together with family and friends is always a merry occasion, especially on Christmas Eve and Day.

If you are the host/hostess of the house, be sure to make the extra effort to welcome your guests at the door with JOY!

If you are the guest, make the effort to bring a little gift, preferably something homemade, which both Mummy and I believe to be the best gift of all. Whether it is a meaningful photograph, homemade spiced nuts, a box of cookies or gingerbread men, a breakfast cake or casserole for the next morning, or a pecan pie that can be frozen for future use, a homemade gift speaks from a heart filled with joy.

The white gift box above is filled with homemade petite toffee candies from an old English family recipe of my dear friend, whom I walk with. After the holidays, we can happily walk off the calories together! Oh, joy!

I was surprised to find this beautiful fruit topiary at my door when I arrived home a few days ago. A precious friend of over 40 years made it at a workshop hosted by the Colonial Dames of Connecticut headquarters. It was led by my friend, Ruth Loiseau, the White House floral designer. What a thoughtful way to thank me for the luncheon I had hosted the week before. Not only is it visually lovely, but my grandchildren will delight in plucking off the fruit at our Christmas morning breakfast- double joy!

What is “the cherry on top” for a homemade gift? Taking the time to write a little note to accompany your gift with a sentence or two on why you are grateful for your friendship, which is the essence of the joy shared at Christmas and the holidays.

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Millennial Tip

When visiting someone's house, try not to overstay your welcome. Asking a host to tell you when they want you to leave may seem like a thoughtful gesture, but most likely they will never give you a specific time! So, after dessert is finished at a dinner party, I simply say, "What a lovely time this has been. I must be on my way now!" This technique works brilliantly for me, because either way, if the host wants you to stay, they will tell you, and if not, you are assured that you have chosen the appropriate time to leave!

When you bring a baking pan or serving piece to someone’s house (or to a function), place a little piece of masking tape on the bottom and write your last name on it, so that the hostess can easily distinguish and separate your baking pans or serving pieces from other similar ones, and set it aside for its return to you.

A jar of homemade Concord Grape jam from Cape Cod was given to me by the hostess of a party I attended last week. She returned the baking pan which I used to serve my cheese blintzes and thoughtfully placed the jam she made, with a darling note, inside the bag with my baking pan. What a wonderful surprise!

Make an ornament memorable by using a gold or silver marker to write the date on it and if space allows, personalize it with a name. I also mark the date and my best wishes near the top of a bottle of wine or champagne with a gold marker. This simple gesture makes a gift more meaningful... spreading even more joy!

Thank You Notes - Part 1

Over the years, collections of note cards grow! It's a delight to have a variety from which to choose. A thoughtful gift for your children at any age is custom writing paper. Start the tradition of writing their thank-you notes as soon as they can hold a crayon and scribble a picture.

I can hear Mummy now, especially in the days before Christmas. "Always have an attitude of gratitude... it will serve you well your entire life!" An attitude of gratitude most certainly extends to thank you notes. The gracious gesture of sending a thank you note is an unexpected gift which expresses, in writing, how much you appreciate what another person has given or done for you. I like to think of it as a handmade, sparkling gem you are giving someone. It is tangible and will be most appreciated and meaningful to the recipient. Some thank you notes are cherished and kept by the recipient forever... I know that I have kept many of mine.

Thank you notes are handwritten, not typed or emailed, and a stamp and some form of writing paper (to be discussed in future newsletters) are required. They are written with a fountain or rolling ball pen, in blue or black ink. These days, they can also be written in an amusing color, like pink! If the recipient lives close enough, then by all means, hand deliver the note.

A thank you note should ideally be written and mailed out within 48 hours of receiving a gift, a kind gesture, attending a celebration or enjoying time spent with someone. The more specific your note is, expressing details about the event or why you are so appreciative, the better! The same 48 hour rule is also applicable in responding to an invitation. Polished politeness means making the effort to R.s.v.p. within 48 hours of receiving the invitation. Think of an invite as a gift… one that you are grateful and excited to receive.

A "bread and butter note" is an old-school way of referring to a thank you note sent to someone for their hospitality!

In England, stationery or notepaper is always referred to as writing paper.

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-no: To buy writing paper or a card that has "thank you" already printed on it. You are writing a note to say thank you, so there is no need to have the stationery company print it on the paper for you.

No-no:Starting a note with the word "I." This gives the impression that you are more important than the person you are writing to.

No-no: Starting a note with the words, "Thank you." Instead, make the effort to explain what you are thanking the recipient for, and then express your thanks.

No-no: To think that an email thank you note is a sufficient expression of gratitude after attending a dinner party. The amount of time and effort a hostess puts into a party solely for your pleasure should inspire you to take a few moments to acknowledge her with sincere recognition by writing a note.

No-no:To think that brides have up to one year to write a thank you note. A thoughtful bride will write one within three months of receiving a wedding gift.

Postscript — Your Questions Answered

I am so grateful to Mummy and Daddy for all they taught me about etiquette and gracious living.

What lovely support I have received from you! I am thrilled that the list of subscribers for Mummy’s Monday Manners grows daily. Thank you for spreading the word and encouraging family and friends to sign up for MMM. I am most grateful for your enthusiasm. I do hope that you will continue your efforts to encourage others to sign up, and a gentler world we will advocate. Mummy would be so pleased!

It has been a pleasure to receive your ideas for future newsletters... I find them so inspiring! And, your questions have influenced me to write my first "Postscripts" newsletter, where I will share a sampling of my answers. Again, I simply adore sharing some of the sage and seasoned advice that my parents taught me. Their knowledge has served me well through the years, and I wish the same for you.

Question: If you are invited to a party with multiple hostesses, do you bring a little something for each hostess, or solely for the hostess whose house the party is being hosted at?
Answer: Bring a little gift for the house hostess, but there is no set rule for multiple hostesses! Personally, I try to bring a little gift for each hostess and write a thank you note to each hostess as well. Yes, it is more effort, but each hostess will appreciate your acknowledgment immensely, as they contributed to the party as well. It is always nice to be recognized for the work and commitment it takes to host an event. From soaps to ornaments for the Christmas tree, or even homemade Spiced Southern Pecans (you may see my YouTube episode for the recipe), a gift for each hostess is a kind, thoughtful and appreciated gesture.

Question: What do you do if an oversized, unruly hors d'oeuvre is served to you at a cocktail party? For example, one that you pick up with your fingers but that must be eaten in two or three challenging bites.
Answer: Simply say, "no thank you" and pass on any large hors d'oeuvre! Mummy taught me to make and serve small, one bite (or two bites if it’s easy to manage) nibbles. Experienced caterers know how important this is, as do Michelin starred restaurants. Petite, elegant and bite-sized treats are always top-notch. I remember taking a bite of a large piece of baklava, and the honey and butter dripped down the front of my silk dress… there was no hope!

Question: ​ Can you do a segment about how ridiculous it is for a hostesses to ask their guests to take their shoes off? It is so embarrassing if you have a hole in your socks or your knee highs are mismatched! There was even an episode of Sex and the City where the hostess asked her guests to take their shoes off, and someone had their Jimmy Choo heels stolen at the party!
Answer: This is simple... guests keep their shoes on, not off! The exception would be guest children, especially when their shoes are muddy or sandy from playing outdoors.

Question: ​ At a buffet table, is it impolite to have a man go before a woman?
Answer: Women should serve themselves first at a buffet table, before men. This is especially true in Europe.

Question: ​ What do you do when a server at a restaurant begins to remove your plate before others are finished?
Answer: Quietly, ask them to keep your plate in place until the others are finished.

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To Clink or Not to Clink? That is the Wine Question!

Enjoying Thanksgiving dinner at “Le Clarence” in Paris.

Oh, a celebration and the lovely sound which two crystal glasses make when they are “clinked” together. The heavier the crystal, the more full-bodied and robust the sound!

As tempting as it may be, when a toast is made in regal circles, or “polite society,”  glasses are always raised for a toast, but are never clinked.

The tradition of touching or clinking glasses began eons ago. If one was afraid that there may be poison in their glass, by clinking the other person’s glass, there was a chance that a portion of their liquid would spill into the other glass… a test to prove there was no poison! So, in essence, clinking showed a sign of trust to one another. It was also a custom thought to ward away any evil spirits lurking about. At the beginning of the 20th century, clinking glasses began to be interpreted as a working-class tradition and thus was abandoned by those with more refined manners.

So, clink if you wish, but be aware that it is not practiced, nor condoned, in certain circles. As always, take your lead from the host of the table!

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-no: Not to clink if someone extends their glass to you, making the effort to clink your glass. 
What is done: Clink away to avoid making the other person feel awkward. Manners are about being polite to others.

No-no: To drink to yourself when a toast is made to you. 
What is done: If a toast is made in your honor, do not hold or raise your glass, or take a drink until everyone else has. It would be tantamount to applauding yourself!

No-no: To tap your glass with a knife to attract attention to yourself when you wish to propose a toast.
What is done: Stand and lift your glass toward the center of the room or toward the person you are toasting. Hopefully, this will alert others that you are about to offer a toast. 

No-no: To not raise your glass when a toast is being made, even if the glass is empty!
What is done: Always raise your glass for a toast, whether it is full or empty.  I try to keep a little portion of libation in my glass at all times if I am at a large function and anticipate that a toast may be made… wedding receptions are a prime example!

Millennial Tip

Be sure to hold the stem of a wine or champagne glass low enough so that your hand does not touch the bowl of the glass. And ladies, as you sip your libation, try to keep your lipstick mark on your glass in the same position so that you don't have lipstick marks around the entire rim!

I have been told that in England one says, "Good health!" instead of "Cheers!"

Are you familiar with old-school napkin niceties?

"Mummy's Fold," her preferred napkin-folding method, at Fox Hall.

Napkins can be a secret signal in more ways than one! How you fold, place and use them has a language all its own.

Mummy always said the napkins need to be pressed and folded correctly. The fold method she taught me to use (pictured above), is quite simple to execute and appropriate for informal as well as formal dining. I have also used the Duchess fold for formal dinner parties, which is quite regal but does require practice and a bit of finesse to fold it correctly. The Duchess fold is the napkin fold most prevalent in the English palaces and castles where I have been invited. It definitely requires a large, starched, dinner-size napkin to properly execute the fold technique.

The Duchess Fold (seen above) is often used at grand homes throughout England, including many royal homes. Here it is at Woburn Abbey.

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While seated, wait for the hostess to remove their napkin first, and then follow her lead and place yours on your lap, unfolding once from a square into the long rectangular length, with the fold facing towards you. If you are at a table of friends, without the presence of a hostess, proceed to place the napkin in your lap right away when you are seated.

Waving a white flag announces surrender, correct? Well, how you fold and place your used napkin when the dinner is over quietly announces your etiquette adeptness! At the end of dinner, fold your napkin as similarly as the way it was folded when you arrived at the table, and place it back to the left of where the forks were. If the napkin was originally presented in a challenging fold, do not attempt to duplicate it! Simply fold it into a regular rectangular shape. After the dinner guests have departed, it can be amusing for the hostess to see which one of her guests know this old-school signal of good manners... and it is always a delight to see which of the gentlemen have mastered this. By the way, if you are at a restaurant and not a private house, you may be much more relaxed — just loosely, semi-refold the napkin.

Forbidden Faux Pas

No-No: To place a fork ON TOP of a napkin. The only exception to this rule is if you are dining outside and the possibility of wind would require you to weigh down the napkin with a fork to keep it from blowing away. 

No-No: To place your napkin back on the table during dinner if you need to excuse yourself.
What is done: If you must excuse yourself, do not explain why. Simply say, “excuse me” and leave momentarily. Then, place your napkin on the chair, NOT the table, until you return.

No-No: Wiping your entire mouth with a napkin, or, heaven forbid, using it as a handkerchief for your nose!
What is done: Simply dab lightly at the corners of your mouth, using the inside of the napkin, so that it is not seen on the outside of the napkin and will not get on your clothes. Try your very best, ladies, not to get lipstick on the linen napkin as a courtesy to the hostess.

Millennial Tip

Napkins come in various sizes. To narrow it down, a luncheon size is smaller than the larger dinner size. You are quite fortunate if you inherit linens, as the older linens can be of exceptional size and quality. I like to have linens with elegant monogramming or family crests embroidered on them. It does not matter if they do not match your own initials- they represent family! Splendid varieties of older linens are available at private sales and auctions. And, one of my most favorite stores to buy new linens with exceptional custom embroidery is Lori Jayne in Palm Beach!

What does your handshake say about you?

Mummy looking glamorous in her mink stole at a black-tie event in Taipei, Taiwan 1964. I am so grateful she taught me how to have a smile to go along with a firm handshake!

Your handshake is a greeting that truly represents you! The strength of your grip is important. This shows that your handshake is not a hollow gesture, which a limp handshake can imply. In the United States, one or two pumps of your hand as you shake, straight up and down, not side to side, will suffice. Other countries have different codes of pumping the hands, or kissing a hand.

A handshake is a centuries-old tradition, given among "equals" in reference to rank, with historical reasoning. For example, in deference to rank, HRH Queen Elizabeth can keep her gloves on to shake hands, while you should remove yours. Or, when one is in military uniform, a Major would not offer to shake hands with a General.

A man should wait for a woman to extend her hand, unless there is a hierarchy, in business or otherwise, such as the CEO of your company or a titled person.

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-No: To shake with your left hand. Always shake with your right hand!
Exception: If there is a physical or medical reason why you cannot shake with your right hand.

No-No: For a man to meet and shake hands while sitting down, when the other person is standing up. Men should rise from their chair to shake hands out of respect (unless you are in a wheelchair, or have medical issues prohibiting you from standing). Ladies may remain seated to shake hands with a gentleman who is standing. I always prefer to stand up if seated, out of respect to the person that I am meeting.

No-No: To offer your hand first to a person of higher rank or authority. They should make the first move to offer their hand to shake yours.

No-No: Not to take off your sunglasses when being introduced for the first time.
What is done: Remove your sunglasses so that the person being introduced to you can see your eyes and your face without your identity being hidden. After you have met, then you can go back to being a movie star with your sunglasses on!

No-No: Not to take your glove off first to shake someone's hand. If you are wearing gloves, take the glove off your right hand to give a handshake. Then, put your glove back on. At elegant events, such as weddings, ladies may keep their gloves on to shake hands. Ladies wearing long kid-leather opera gloves at a formal event do not need to take their glove off to shake either. But, ladies should take their glove off when shaking hands with the President, First Lady or a high ranking official.

No-No: To leave your left hand in your pocket while shaking with your right hand. Both hands should be visible. 

No-No: To grasp the other person's arm with your left hand when shaking their right hand and meeting them for the first time. Once you know one another, then by all means, this is appropriate!

Millennial Tip

Share with your children how important good eye contact is when shaking hands! Often an overlooked or forgotten point, this aspect of a proper handshake needs practice and encouragement. A strong handshake, along with good eye contact, and topped off with a genuine smile, is bound to make a lasting, positive impression!

What are the FOUR words to say when introduced, while shaking hands?

Meeting The Hereditary Prince and Princess Berhard of Baden and Mrs. Barbara de Portago, President of The Versailles Foundation, Inc. Gala Dinner in April 2015.

“How do you do?” These four words are AS GOOD AS GOLD! They are tantamount to a 'secret code' when combined with a strong handshake, excellent eye contact, and a sincere smile. This simple combination of the four words and the ceremonial handshake quietly relay that you respect and have mastered traditional manners.

It is also very considerate to say your name after the four words. For example: "How do you do? Holly Holden.” The reason you say your name is to give the other person the opportunity to hear it once more, as you repeat it after the introduction is made. How many times have you been introduced and haven't quite…caught the name? Oh dear, I know, it has happened to me too!

"How do you do?" is the most traditional greeting you can say. Pleasure to meet you, nice to meet you, pleased to meet you, or even “charmed,” do not hold a candle to "How do you do?.” Do you really know if you are pleased to meet someone on the very first encounter, or do you wish to get to know them first?  This is the reasoning behind the traditional four-word introduction greeting. And yes, you can say how pleased you are to meet someone, but after the initial, "How do you do?" greeting.

What is a traditional response to someone's initial "How do you do?” This is SO easy to remember. Simply say "How do you do?" back to them! And then, you may carry on with your polite conversation.

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-No: To interpret a "How do you do?" as a "How are you?" inquiry. "How do you do?" is not a question about your health, but simply a greeting! After the "How do you do's" are exchanged, you may ask, "How are you?"....very well, thank you!

No-No: Not to acknowledge someone with sincerity when being introduced to them. I have seen this done before and am saddened at how hurtful this can be for the other person being slighted.

Millennial Tip

Manners are learned behavior. One of the best gifts you can bestow upon your children is to teach them how and what to do when being introduced. And, start young! Have your children practice with friends and family when they come to visit. I will never forget when my team and I were photographing the former Prime Minister of Canada's house for an upcoming Palm Beach book, his precious grandchildren were visiting. When they were presented to us, we were duly impressed with their finesse at such a young age... strong handshake, eye contact and a polite "How do you do?” No wonder two of the Mulroney grandchildren were chosen as page boys and were honored to ride with Meghan Markle, now Duchess of Sussex, on the way to her wedding at Windsor Castle. They even carried her train down the aisle of St. George's Chapel!

What is the most sincere type of sympathy card?

A card that is not store-bought is the most sincere way to offer your condolences, especially if you can't be there in person. There is no need to buy a sympathy card, ever. Mummy always said that your words are a thousand times more meaningful than what is printed on a card. So, write with all of your heart, on white stationery with a black ink pen.

If you have a white or ecru fold over, informal card with your name in black engraving (photo above), then you have the most appropriate old-school stationery to use. And, if you do not, another suitable option is a plain piece of white paper or a note card, preferably a nice stock such as Crane & Co. Stationery. Take a moment to think about the person you are remembering and then write your loving words of sympathy. A fountain pen with black ink is always the most proper and traditional choice. A ballpoint pen would be your last choice.

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-no: Never mention anything negative about the deceased person in your note. Only mention lovely memories and offer your sympathy.

No-no: Never slip your folded card into the envelope with the folded edge side down. The folded edge of a card should be at the top of the envelope so that the recipient stands much less chance of a paper cut if the sharp edges are at the bottom!

Millennial Tip

When your formal name (photograph above) includes a title (such as Mrs., Mr., Lady, Countess or Doctor) that is engraved or printed onto your stationery, you may draw a line through your name if you are writing to a dear friend. This is especially appropriate on a sympathy note. The line you draw through your name discreetly indicates that you are writing to them on a personal level, as a friend and without formality. This is appropriate for any type of stationery that you have, and for any occasion, including a gift card enclosure. You do not draw a line through a monogram or if your name does not include a title before it.

How do you sip your soup?

Quietly, and from the side of the spoon!

One does not place the entire spoon in one's mouth. Soup is sipped silently from the side of the spoon. As tempting as it may be to place the entire spoon in your mouth, especially when a truly yummy soup is served, refrain yourself!

Fill your soup spoon by skimming the surface, scooping the spoon away from you. The reason you scoop away from yourself is so the soup does not splash onto you. If there are any drips on the spoon, discreetly wipe your spoon on the far side of the bowl along the inside rim. The soup may be gently tilted away from you to finish.

A soup spoon is placed on the right side of the soup bowl, or if there is a knife at the place setting, to the right of the knife. The most traditional soup spoon is the size of a large, oval tablespoon, especially if you own an antique European set of flatware. These large "soup tablespoons" are still used today for formal dinners (and can also be used for a dessert course) and are served with "soup plates" which have a large flat-rim, and are not referred to as bowls. When finished, the spoon is left to rest in the soup plate at the 9-3 o'clock position.

For luncheons, a lighter soup, bouillon or a cold soup are typically served in a cream soup cup with delicate handles on either side. The handles may be used to pick up and to sip from the cup. I still use a spoon for fear that some surprise portion of soup will inevitably splash out on me! A soup cup is served with a smaller, round bowled spoon, referred to as a bouillon spoon or cream soup spoon. These days, smaller oval soup spoons are often used for all types of soup, in place of the larger tablespoons. When finished, the spoon is placed upon the liner plate, beneath the soup cup.

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-No: To hold a soup spoon, whatever the size, with your pointer finger placed on the top surface of the spoon or along the leading edge, similar to holding a knife or a pen. A soup spoon is held in your right hand with your thumb on top of the flat portion of the handle.

No-No: To put the entire soup spoon in your mouth or to blow on it to cool it down.

Millennial Tip

Any time of year, I think soup is an elegant first course to commence either a luncheon or dinner party. I prefer to have the soup served and placed on the tables, prior to the guests being seated. That being said, a hot soup may cool off a bit depending on how long it takes your guests to be seated, but this method works extremely well for cold soups!

Mummy would often add a beet to a cream soup recipe (depending on the recipe) to create a lovely pink hue... and who doesn't love pink?

How do you serve and clear the plates from the dining room table at a dinner party?

In America, the rule of thumb is to "serve on the left!" Plates, along with other serving dishes, are served on the left side of the guests. Plates are cleared from the table on the right side of the guests. "Remove on the right!" Simply remember the two R's!

Glasses are refilled on the right because of their placement on the right.

In private houses in England, everything happens on the left side of the guest. Plates are served AND cleared from the left. The reasoning goes back to the time when there was staff to serve. Because glasses are placed on the right side of the place setting, by serving and removing everything from the left, there is less chance that the servers may knock a glass over.

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-No: To stack plates when clearing the table. Plates should never be stacked or, heaven forbid, scraped clean anywhere near the dining table!
What is done: Plates are cleared from the table, two at a time, three at most. Plates are cleaned in the kitchen.

No-No: To have any remaining plates on the table when dessert is served.
What is done: When all of the courses have been served and the remaining plates, salt and pepper, serving pieces, chargers, and flatware (other than the dessert flatware), are all cleared from the table first, then dessert (referred to as "pudding” in England) is served. Glasses remain on the table until the dinner is over and guests move to another room.

No-No: To jump up and start clearing the table when you are a guest.
What is done: It is always best to offer politely or begin to stand up to help, and if the hostess asks you to please be seated, then heed their request and sit back down! The hosts may prefer that you stay and keep the conversation going.

Millennial Tip

It is always a lovely idea to adjourn your guests from the dining room table into the living room (or what the English refer to as a drawing room...where one "withdraws" to another room) where you can serve coffee or more port!

By going into another area of the house, guests can move around and chat with other guests. If you have serving help, they can then clear the dining room table and clean up. Later, offer a tray of highball glasses filled with iced water to the guests in the living room. This is usually a welcome sight to everyone, especially after all of the libations that have been consumed during the evening!

When bread is served to you, what is the appropriate way to adorn your bread with butter?

When bread is served to you, take the piece of bread to your butter plate (to the left of your dinner plate) and let it rest a moment versus straight to your mouth. Then, break or tear a piece at a time with your fingers. Never cut your bread with a knife! Always tear one piece at a time, and then butter each piece one at a time as well! Also, it’s important to remember to never butter an entire piece of bread!

The butter knife can be placed on the butter plate at the 10-2 o'clock position, with the blade pointed towards the diner.

In England, the butter knife is placed in the 12-6 o'clock position, with the blade facing to the left, away from the dinner plate.

See these examples brought to life in the photo above. The monogram in the photo are those of my dear mummy.

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Forbidden Faux Pas

No-No: To hold your butter knife and bread in a "helicopter hover" while breaking the bread or while buttering it!

What is done: Try to keep all flatware as close to the plate as possible, including the butter knife. Flatware should not be flying above the place setting, ever! Instead, discreetly break your bread, hold it just barely above the plate and butter it, and then return the butter knife onto the plate in the same position that it was placed when you sat down at the table.

Millennial Tip

Butter plates can be an amusing adornment on your table. For the fall, I have used glass "leaf-shaped" plates that add quite a festive look! In the spring, I love placing a small, edible violet on top of the butter pat! During Christmas, of course, two holly leaves are used to decorate the butter (but not the red berries, as they are poisonous!), and in the summer, a few basil or mint leaves. I also have some "butterfly-shaped" individual butter molds which I prepare in advance for dinner parties. If you ever see fox-head butter molds for sale, do let me know!

Where do you seat your guest, or guests of honor, at a dinner table?

You are cordially invited to enter the secret, unwritten world of manners and etiquette. Every Monday, you will receive my newsletter which will pose a question about different forms of etiquette to you. I will share a concise explanation as to what's done and also, what is not done... the forbidden faux pas to avoid! You will be privy to the subtle nuances practiced in polite society, yes, even in this relaxed world. My intention is to enlighten you, or simply refresh what you already know. Stunning manners can open magical, even regal doors. I am most grateful to my Mummy, and my British father, who instilled in me the importance of knowing and displaying a polished code of manners. I truly look forward to sharing them with you! 
 

Entertaining Etiquette
Where do you seat your guest, or guests of honor, at a dinner table?

The guests of honor should be seated to the right of the host or hosts. So, for example, a gentleman guest of honor will be to my right at a dinner table, and the lady guest of honor will be to my husband's right. Typically, the hosts are seated at either end of the table along with their guests of honor. But what happens if the table is exceptionally long for a celebratory event?  

When I hosted a luncheon in celebration of the visit of Lady Carnarvon of Highclere Castle (Downton Abbey) in the month of May, I decided to seat my 48 attending lady guests at an exceptionally long table. It actually extended the length of my verandah at Fox Hall! (photograph above) Because the table was so long, I decided to place my guest of honor in the very center of the table, to my right, with our backs against the brick wall. Lady Carnarvon had a view of the garden (always think about the view of your guest of honor, even if you are in a restaurant) and she was also able to glance down both sides of the table equally to see the guests. When I made my toast to her, and to the guests, by having Lady Carnarvon in the middle of the table, I could easily address everyone. They could hear me just by turning right or left, versus raising my voice to be heard down the entire table from the other end! I had a grand time at this luncheon celebration, the weather behaved brilliantly, and it continues to be a glorious memory for me.

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Forbidden Faux Pas

It is considered a faux pas to be seated when offering a toast while in a private residence. 

What is done: It is polite form to stand when giving a toast! If you are in a restaurant, it is not necessary to stand unless you are in a private room. If champagne or wine is served, you may hold a glass in your right hand while offering the toast and raise it in honor of your guests. If only water is served, there is no need to raise a glass. Either way, wine or water, offer genuine words to welcome your guests and let them know how grateful you are for their presence. 

Millennial Tip

Make the effort to offer a toast at a dinner party — either a party that you host or one that you are attending. By proposing a toast to your hostess, or to the guest of honor, or whomever, it is a genteel effort that your hosts and guest will appreciate immensely, especially if it is short and sincere. Mummy would be proud!